What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

He resisted the act ,that day.

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Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

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I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Was to survive, this bastard.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

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It was going to be , some day.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

What was your first gay male experience?

I was scared of men, in general

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Have you ever forcibly sucked someone’s dick?

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

I was 9 years of age.

What do you think about me (Aditya Krishna)?

But ive been too sick for many years..

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

So whats the point in blame.

Why have Indian girls almost stopped wearing sarees?

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

We were not on the streets..

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I had hoped to write a book about this .

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

She found it foreign!.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

Ive learnt so much.

I think the readers, may guess!

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

When she asked me how she looked .

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

He knew the spot.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

I could never make a relationship work though!

He was dying to do it , i knew.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

And who doesn’t know suffering?

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Put me off passion for life!!

What did i know ?

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

My family never makes their pension either.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

Would this be the day?

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

Who then, do I blame.?

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

She was in good health!

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

And i lived it daily.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

One cannot live in the past .

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

I couldn’t, believe it.

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

I have no regrets .

I did it because my mum asked me too!

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

But it wasn’t much.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

But, we were locked up after school.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

Where the ultimate outsiders.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

Why did i forgive my father ?

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

I was very sick at this time too.

I said to her

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

This is soul school!.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

I waited trembling.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

She wouldn,t have been !

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

I never cut or harmed myself..

I was seconnd youngest,

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

All the time i was locked up.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

I will be 64.

She married twice! .

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

We all went to grammer schools

Especially a lifetime of it.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

Comes on , in middle age.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

She loved him until the end.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

I don,t even have a pension.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

I write beautiful poetry .

(And it was in our own minds.)

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

My life is so biszare .

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

As i do to all so called friends.?

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

This is how, and why children get BPD.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

Im still living with it.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

So, i spoilt her more .

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.